This is something I never thought I would have to write at twenty-two years old, but here I am. I miss you so much and I can’t believe it’s been a year since you left us. I told you I didn’t need any more stressful situations in my life. I really jinxed that, didn’t I? I told you I needed a positive mindset to finish school. I’m sorry for that, Daddy. I think I’ll always regret the way I handled our last words together, but I learned from them. I learned a lot about myself from your passing. After your death, I grew in ways I couldn’t imagine and I know you’d be proud. My smart mouth and opinionated self is still there (cue the eye roll), but I learned how to handle it differently. I learned to stop judging people. I learned to not be so serious all the time. I learned to not be so angry. I learned to speak up and be friendly to everyone more often. I learned that happiness is the most important thing in life. And I have you to thank for that.
I graduated from college with my associate degree… first in the family, remember? I started at Duquesne University this fall for degree number two. Crazy. I never thought I’d make it this far. I got my acceptance letter in the mail on your birthday, but I know you did that on purpose. I’m glad you helped me with that decision. I already got offered an internship for this summer. I’m really growing up now. Life has been crazy this last year. Autumn finished beauty school and started her career. Lennon’s in 11th grade. Josh bought his first house. Gram is still working. Mom’s the same as always, she misses her friend.
I remember losing you like it was yesterday. The way my whole world stood still when I got that phone call and I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t feel. My whole body was numb. My heart was numb. I couldn’t grasp it. It took me about three months to really feel that you were gone. Once I realized I wouldn’t get those “U ok?” texts that I used to get so annoyed with from you anymore, I lost it. I’m upset with the choices you made, I don’t think I’ll be able to understand them. I’m so sorry that it had to end that way. I’m sorry I didn’t have the chance to say goodbye. I miss you.
The good memories outweigh the bad. The positive outweighs the negative. Where I lost hope, I gained it back again. You see, it was far from easy. It was an everyday challenge, it still is. I would stay in bed for hours each day and not have the motivation to move, but somehow you got me to pick myself up and go on. I didn’t know how to handle the death of a loved one. I believe in God and I believe in heaven. I believe in forgiveness and I believe you gave me the strength I needed to push through.
I write to you not only as your daughter but also as one of the many people who has missed you for this last year. Here’s to you. For not being seen or heard, but being present and listening. I want you to continue watching over all of us. I’m lucky to have had you for those twenty-one years. You will always have a piece of my heart that I’ll never get back. I love you now and always, Daddy.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways – either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits or by using the challenge to find our inner strength.”
Mark E. Raynak
December 18, 1964, ~ October 21, 2017
“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.”
Hi, friends. Today marks one year since my father has passed. I value myself on being real on my blog and I love looking back on my posts and seeing how much I have grown over time. I thought it would be therapeutic for me to sit down and write about how I have felt this past year without my dad. I hope y’all understand. If any of my readers have lost someone, know that I am always here. Sending you all lot’s of love now and always. Thanks for reading, xo.